old notes for you.

I was left speechless when you looked into my eyes, your eyes are the most shiny black gems I've ever seen,they are the stolen jewels from the lost land in the world. They are coated with times, legends, pain, but adorn with love, being polished perfectly. They did not lose their charm after all. When you looked at me, your alluring eyes started to whisper eternal love to me. I couldn't see what's behind them, but I felt what you feel, the complicated feelings that you were experiencing. I am thinking, if you have that tiny little love for me, even with only few, I will be so eager to fight for it. Because I did not see my reflection alone in your eyes, I saw forever too. You might not be loving me, but I fell in love with you hopelessly, just let me stay here and love you quietly. Your eyes are brighter than the stars in the sky. That beautiful evening, when the artificial light shined on your hair and when you was gazing at me, I felt like I am the only person who glorified by love on earth. With your presence, my heart will go on. Love, me. this is for you.

two boats

how can you love two person at the same time when you only have one heart?

how can the person not know that you only love him when you have been waiting for him so long and the first thing you did wasn't to kick his ass after putting you through so much bullshit after all these while?

lastly, how can the friends around know whether what i feel towards everything?

the touch of the cast.

i know how painful that was, so did my heart

the touch of it

i still remember 

i whispered, i tell myself

no matter what will come in my way

i will hold this hand till forever ends.

now that it's gone.

clearly, this scene was shown, directed by the author

as this is what he really wanted to do

if time rewinds

because he knows, he regretted walking away from her

never go back in time

not being at there with her, to wipe away her tears although in his heart, he truly does

Years later, the girl is already married to somebody else

the only thing he can do

is nothing but just placing her at the bottom of his heart

& give them his blessings

He knows, he won't love any girl that much, like what he did to her any more.

things you never knew

You don't know why I had to leave you
your tears shattered every broken piece of my heart,
i chose to be out of your sight.
So sorry I didn't keep hold of you.
there are just things you never knew.


there are just things that i am gonna regret for life.

i know, i will see you somewhere again

I'll make a wish for you 

and hope it will come true

If you lose your way onto happiness

Think back on yesterday 

where i have been waiting

and i'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side

And i won't ever leave

As long as you believe

just hoping that one day you will finally turn around and look at me.

Sometimes in life

what you see may not be the truth 

the truth may not be that coincidentally unveiled before you

trust, is like a sorcery to me now.

i love you so much, el

 

 

i am finding a missing photo..
and i search frantically around my house
calling my family overseas like a lunatic asking have they seen it and so
photo photo please come back to me..
as i've came to the most desperate stage of finding it
i went online and do this..

whether will it work or not..
i am so gonna do that to find back my photo.
that photo means a lot to me..

the memories in it, worth more than a gigantic box of diamonds.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i love you so much.
&^@(*#&)(@#*_@)#
i am going crazy

i will risk everything just to get it back

there's a true love placed before me
but i didn't treasure it
until the time when it's gone, it's too late to regret
if ever, i have the chance to rewind the time and go back again
i will tell the boy that i love him
if i have no choice but to add a dateline in this relationship
i hope it will be 10,000 years

this is quoted from a movie that i've watched today
it doesn't really mean much to me until i come to this stage
which the only thing that i left for the boy was just a tiny teardrop.

away?

i don't really know what to write about today
but today was an awesome day out with my friends!
shopping and eating have never fail to cheer me up

the busier i am, the more i actually think of him
during the time when i am busy walking around or looking for things
what will you be doing..?



 no more you in my arms?

A Blank Message

A lot of times when i want to type all my feelings out
ending up to be in a blank mind thinking what the fuck i wanted to say earlier today...

My imagination can let off and run wild as i look into this blank message

today my afternoon study session came along with a love talk session which conducted by tangjun
he shared a lot that is on his mind
he is mature enough to be the professor at that moment
but there's one thing i gotta deny,
actually, i am not the silly girl who is doing all this towards my ex
maybe in my silly naive childish world
i do believe that love does exist
you know why ppl nowadays will think that
nobody is worth loving or waiting?
they lost trust of love, why?
because they don't believe it exists anymore
it's because that i believe, so it remains there

according to him, i have already gotten death sentence by my ex.
he said that, if you try, appear in front of his doorstep
repeat the things that you've been wanting to say to him
his reaction determines whether are we two game over
being so strong to hold back my tears in the library
i dipped my mind into the noisy crowd, trying to find some sort of distraction
well done in distracting my broken heart
wanted to send a long ass msg to him but i know the reply that i will get
is always "thank you. okok."
deleted my words from draft, locked my phone and started stoning when i boarded the bus
passing familiar places
then i remember, we've been to a lot of places together

after Alvin has alighted the bus, i bet he was feeling damn awkward
sitting with his emo classmate thinking to herself
silence was the only noise throughout the journey
A message notification disrupted my sleep
A blank message from him which states .. nth
how much it meant to me? indescribable
that was the first initiate msg he sent to me in these months
without me pestering him, spamming him my monologue
suddenly my world become so peaceful just by looking at it
looking out at the sky, today is a beautiful day indeed
although this msg does not contain anything
it does not carry any meaning as well
staring at that msg for minutes
restrain myself from pressing the reply button and start spamming all over again
i closed my eyes,
drown myself into the song"all about your heart"

it sings beautifully
"Oh, I've loved you from the start.In every single way
And more each passing day.You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say.It's not about your scars
It's all about your heart"

happiest moment i had for these days
so i am not going to reply to this
yup, i am giving up on facing the truth to know that it might just be a little technical mistake that he made when using his phone

Dear God, please bring him back to me

It has been a couple of days, couples of days i meant.
my soul wander off long ago, hope it will lead me to the right place

come back to this sad old place all over again
come back to this pool of nonsense that i have been through
i am still continue on typing all my negative emotions here
gather it and delete all away.

for those who has been following how the story goes.
yup, god has answered my prayer
he was back, at least for awhile
but maybe god thinks that i am not the right one who can take care of him
he sent somebody else over.
i sincerely hope that the person will bring him happiness, way more than i can able to give

i know that his friends have been thinking that i am the one who hurt him and so
nobody bother to think about how i pulled it through in the year
i ain't laughing, joking,slacking off that year, never can i do it
even time rewinds 10,000 times again
they were in absolute good intentions not letting their brother to get hurt
then who's by my side?
i was there even when everyone on earth breathing agrees that i should let go
love drives me till here, until so far, how can i do it without a heart that loves him genuinely?
you guys are so selfish, when i was trying my best, working my ass out to stay alive,
you all thought that i was so intentionally fucking your dear friend's life up
i don't love him less than you all do, even a single teeny bit.

tearing every night after he told me things won't work out anymore
after i have overcome all kinds of obstacles, approach him in agony
what i got was, he has got a new girl
fine, i have nothing to do in his life anymore
so heartbreaking but i must face the hurtful truth.

but guys, i want to keep up to my promise
i wonder how long can i last
1.5 years i have been waiting
make it 4 perhaps?
then i won't at least live with regrets
as i tried my very best to get the guy that i have been longing for in life
whom i would love to spend forever with.
I will still be praying for his safety, for his happiness
nothing beats the smile on your love ones' face
but how i wish that i was the one who make him smile
A short 4 years maybe can prove my loyalty
just that i wonder, if i can tolerate this constant 4 years of heart aching
nevermind, we'll see how things go from here.

So pissed off by an idiotic lady

what i am resenting today is about those company and shit.

PLS, i am not even interested AT ALL.

have been asked out a few times by some friends who don't even close to me

it was damn weird and awkward.

i can't even handle such a situation

just yesterday, i met up with one of my not so close friend

for a lunch break

the moment i stepped into the Mcdonald, i sense some awkwardness as a few ppl were looking at me. i took awhile to spot my friend as there filled with a lot of {dressed like businessmen} ppl

put that aside, after 20 mins, just when i happily gobbled down my last nugget

My friend, started to talk to me about my jobs, schools, etc,

but i could tell that she wasn't even paying attention

her focus was on the phone.

(i found out at the end is because she is texting the idiotic lady)

that's not a problem but, i totally sense the awkwardness.

questions from a not so close friend, like, seriously, what a question?!

somemore she wasn't even bother listening to my answers, screw it.

AND the main part comes right here.

She started talking about, l=my interest, my future perspective and blah blah blah

and she started bringing in the point that she's in sort of a company

which provide her FREE training in business communication, presentation skills and so

i was wondering, huh, there's no free lunch in the world my dear.

so i go by, so, you've joined that company?

she said, yah, joined for a month and so

at that moment, i instantly get the point.

it's either she's promoting or getting me in the company

i knew that because i have several times of similar experience

half way when she's explaining, she told me

errr, maybe what i said might confuse you, let me get you my friend to explain to you?

not till i respond.

A girl/lady miraculously appeared behind me.

LIKE A DRAMA WTFFFF

and i recognized her, she was the one followed when we change seats

sit near us in purpose.

don't know what she wants.

What a surprise

the moment she sat down, self intro, ask my name, told my friend that," wa so fat still eat ah!"

like as if trying to create a comfort atmosphere for me

wtf, like please, i'd appreciate so much and feel easy if you get the fuck off my sight RIGHT NOW

she sat down started drinking my friend's drink, and asked my friend to sit next to me, so they would be sitting opposite each other, like later cant communicate with me then ask my friend give hints hah?

so she started talking talking talking about how competitive the society/market is

she said she graduated from tp in leisure management course, cant rmb the name

she also mentioned she's earning what a degree student cant even get

not mean to be mean

but by female nature, the ability of scanning through ppl's appearance in a few seconds

the dress that you are wearing- old (with some cloth balls on the collar)

hair- the dandruff was dangling on that string of hair
nose- the blackheads are horrendously grew stuck on it, {like sesame} the amount was like 20000

phone- wa, nokia 2nd generation

shoes- pardon me, not even shoes, slippers that bought 10 years ago. AS DIRTY

the feet that she has, wonderful, i bet she walk to the place barefoot and kena a lot of ppl step over. the toenail long and dirty as well eeeeeeeee!

OK grooming check done

3k? save it up and clean yourself properly before coming out to scare others first

and i was totally disinterested by her tone, sound, look. YUCKS

maybe rich ppl like to dress like this, i dont know, but the hell? you are doing business

at least pay some respect, wear nicely -.-

where am i where am i again?

OH YAH

she was like brainwashing me that the market is too competitive and all those

and she is working for the company full time earning more than the degree holders are

but hard to convince me with your behavior

and my part time jobs and all those

in her mouth, those are nothing but trash experience

AND SHE SAID I AM NAIVE -.- make me roll eyes directly after that

she said, in that company, you help to earn 10k, your experience will be a lot better, impressive than all other friends

according to her, those part time jobs can learn, but learn less and also useless in her eyes.

there's no express ways and shortcuts for everything, don't be too greedy-.-

wanting to be top on others. you can use this to cheat other really naive ppl, not me -.-

and she asked me my age and so, she couldn't even process her brain properly

giving the wth is she talking face to my friend, thinking i am some lunatic

like hello, i won't even bother to explain to you as you just came in suddenly

i uttered a lot while i was trying to talk to her. she always talk talk talk talk talk

don't let me to talk and i really really don't fucking expect her to be here, i wasn't well prepared to shout profanity to you bitch.

Then she asked me whether i am interested in it.

i was like no.

in my heart i yelled "THAT'S A HOT NO."

she immediately turned black face and just tell my friend that she need to go approach someone else

when she left. (she just went outside of mac, i told my friend what i think of this and so and tried to ask her out of this thing)

BECAUSE

all these are the strategy that they use in business

they told you that they offer you courses, trainings for free

to help them promote

even you cant sell a fuck, you still doing your part by advertising for them

with no basic pay, you are just one of their free labour

and you have to pay your own travelling fee, food

yah true, they aren't cheating, you ownself willing to work for them one wad, they of coz will pay you commission if you sell. if you cant, it's your problem, they get you to advertise

3k per set of products you sell. you get commission, your leader gets commission

your leader's leader gets comm. your company get comms etc etc

i wonder how much is that product actually costs

Sigh

Dear friends, don't fall for this

no basic pay, not everyone can afford the products

experience is one thing. ONLY IF YOU CAN DO GOD DAMN WELL

not so easy to get sales alright?

be alert of this kind.

but if you are willing to, thinking you are much more awesome than the ppl out there

off you go, see how many of your friends and relatives can afford them

but if you work for a few months, still ZERO SALES

you are just wasting your time...

maybe if you are patient enough.let you earn like 1k ++ a month after working full time for a year

how to support life?

you are just losing friends because this one time they might go out with you

the next time you ask them out, they wont even want to go with you alrdy.

done with my resentment,

sorry if i hereby ranting shit to you.

don't bother listening then LOL

after awhile, she was on the phone and walked back to us in a sudden, without

even looking at me, told my friend that she need to go with her now as somebody is waiting.

wtfffffffffffffffffffffffff, SO RUDE

trust me, you can't even earn 2k in the future if you continue doing this.

even though you aren't asking me to join but asking me to buy the products.

Please, your blackheads and your friend's pimples explained it all

not saying as if my skin very good like that, but honestly,

comparing with one that used that 3k products and i use normal products

can be compared using my eyes right? -.-

FUCK YOUUUUUUU

P.s. after awhile then i found out that because the company is in bugis, the bugis mcD that near the Fu lu sou centre turning out to be like an agent company, don't believe? go visit it next time!

THE ONE NEAR FU LU SOU CENTRE ONEE!

sorry this is not proper english-.- don't have to remind me.

i am not afraid of pain and long waiting time.

i am just afraid of missing out on you one more time.

they say, never go back to an old love again,

because it's like reading a book over and over again,

you already know how it ends.

but, if i already know how it it ends

i won't let it ends another time again.

the story and ending in a book is fixed

our lives aren't

we still have a long long way to go,

to change whatever things that might happen.

Maybe, a happy ending is awaiting.

but in most of the case,

they became strangers.

..

#iamsorryiloveyou

i have no idea why am i still blogging in this desert.

I guess this is the only way that i can find myself, to feel myself again
forgetting pain is also one of blogging purpose.

Dear, i've not catch you in time yet
why you slipped out of my hands so fast?
you left me alone, bear with the pain of losing you twice..
just when i thought i can walk in to your life again
your ice cold heart shut me, out at the doorstep
i was just one step closer into holding your hand.
why you let go that fast..?

so heart broken.. why you let me alone feeling this pain again?
why can't you just listen to me, listen to yourself..?